The Advice from A Dad Which Saved Us when I became a Brand-New Father

"I think I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the demands of becoming a dad.

However the reality rapidly turned out to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I handled every night time, every change… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help.

The simple words "You are not in a healthy space. You need support. What can I do to assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and find a way back.

His experience is far from unique, but rarely discussed. While the public is now more comfortable talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties new fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a broader inability to talk among men, who continue to absorb negative perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and stays upright time and again."

"It's not a sign of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the space to take a break - taking a couple of days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He understood he needed to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of looking after a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she needed" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and interpret his parenting choices.

The idea of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, deep-held emotional pain meant his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "poor decisions" when younger to modify how he felt, turning in substance use as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling swamped, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Look after the body - nutritious food, getting some exercise and where possible, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your emotional health is coping.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their experiences, the messy ones, and also the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that asking for help does not mean you've failed - taking care of your own well-being is the most effective way you can look after your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the feelings constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, altered how they communicate, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I expressed, sometimes I believe my job is to guide and direct you on life, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."